PMS Rambles

Just the little voices in my head.

I can’t figure out lately how to keep the font in substack linear across posts, because I copy and paste them from so many different writing apps (mostly my poetry). I don’t love the font situation on this platform.

Anywhooo

It’s Wednesday night. I just got back from crying in my car. I didn’t expect to, but everything caught up with me. I sat there for a while, feeling heavy and tired in a way that’s hard to explain. When I got home, I made lunch for the rest of the week—sweet potato, kale, rice noodles, tahini. Something that felt simple and grounding.

Now I am writing in the light of a stand up paper lamp, the sound of loud voices and footsteps above me and rain out the window, and a bag of popcorn beside me for snack. Im craving comfort. I desire closeness so deeply. I am lonely

Sooke, BC Feb 2022

I’ve been working a lot. More than I need to. Not because I’m ambitious right now, but because being busy keeps me distracted. At work, I still feel the weight, but at least I’m moving through tasks. The illusion of purpose has become its own kind of coping, and today I crashed. I felt so tired not only because it is my 9th day straight of work, but overall getting hurt. After multiple work injuries this month, something shot into my eye today and I just broke down. I broke down because it was painful, but also because in tired of hurting. I know I’m being careless and am not totally embodied. I know food and writing are my grounding sources, but my relationship to both is complicated right now.

It’s been awhile since I felt attractive in both my ability and way I navigate the world, and my mentality/physicality. I have so many thoughts I don’t even know what to share, I am inspired by so many things, I’m not sure what is possible, I have so many interests I don’t know where to start (or what to continue), there is so much power in me I don’t know if I can handle it. So I just freeze. Ive never really been the freeze type— typically I would have been more “fight” type in the past, and run away from my feelings (or at least others view of me experiencing them), but we all know they come with us, and that healing happens in relationship.

It’s funny because even though inside I am really going through it, and am avoiding talking about it to those close to me (in proximity and at a distance), I know they can see it on my face. This witnessing is usually when I choose to pull away or avoid communal spaces; places where I might be asked what is going on, because I know when I’m asked, I am honest, and I don’t want to be honest about what’s going on in my heart right now.

Stouffville, ON March 2024- Love in a home-

Lately, I’ve felt disconnected from the things that used to help me feel like myself. I keep telling myself that I’ll write again, record another episode, catch up on coursework. And when time comes, I get overwhelmed. I shut down. It’s not a lack of passion. It may very well be a new capacity. Im contemplating these feelings as they arise, just as well I am trying not to overanalyze.

I saw Thunderbolts* with two people I love the other day, and even though I love spoilers, I won’t spoil it for anyone else, but wow… It was so emotionally charged and highly relatable. I guess when we get to the point in the movie where we understand more of the characters motives and back stories, I really related to the inner world of Bob. This last year has been so rocky and my inner world still needs some coaxing and gentleness, and to see my inner experience being mirrored back at me from the screen was honestly a little too tender to leave the theatre pretending to not be totally raw, and the night was hard for me after that. This time of year feels tender itself, like our bodies remember the senses and energies and season from the past and the experiences are energetically playing out, again.

I’m feeling myself fading and there’s 7 hours until waking to get a start on my morning practice before work. I’m looking forward to seeing all the flowers the team is planting be in full bloom, and the grounds to look so clean. I am already so proud of everyone and what we’ve accomplished in such short order. Im so grateful to be working with a kind crew.

I love you.

Mar